a psycho's thoughts

the holiday has not been great or even good to me. its not about the homework sebab memang pemalas pun sebelum ni so kisah ape kan -since dah nak balik kolej, okay kisah- but few things have been wandered around my mind non-stop. oh yes, i am a type of person who over thinks everything, everything in life. -except Chemistry, of course- one of the main contributor is semester exam result. this result is undeniably important.

okay enough said before the stress builds up again. but the thing is, i am very much frustrated and upset with myself that i don't put up the term tawakal. it is very wrong you see. i had gone through sooo many sleepless nights, cryings, hentak hentak kepala (over sikit takpe kan) because i put sooooooooooooooooooooooo many negative thoughts in mind. fitrah Sya memang macamtu okay. sejak baby dah nangis nangis cuak kena potong tali pusat. apart from that, i cannot deny there were few things i regret doing it throughout my Sem 2. so what you give, you get back right? but i also come to realise that there is basically nothing we can do now. but as a Muslim, there is one thing we should, no, we HAVE to do at time like this

"Dan jika kamu berazam, bertawakallah kepada Allah."

Al Imran:159

but i didn't have that in me. i was wrong. i was terrribly wrong that i thought nangis sampai keluar hingus dapat menenangkan diri. superstition semata mata because

"Ketahuilah hanya dengan mengingati Allah, hati akan menjadi tenang."

Ar Ra'du:28

so this is why this is happening to me. i am an emo person, i know. but to let my emoness cloud my faith until it dissolves in? and me to have keraguan dalam hati? what is faith then? there is never gonna be a price to that. never.

ehem. agak emo di situ ye.

well the thing is that. i am not happy with myself. i know what Allah will give is what the best for me. everyone knows that. but no many understand. i have issues with my placement but any result i'll get will be a sign to me. a big one that relates to many things in my life. and He is the al-Alim. He knows everything when i don't have the slightest clue. i may cry and scream and hentak kepala dengan lebih kuat lagi when i get my results, but i hope at that time, i still have my faith. or i can re read this entry -macam bagus- the best result does not necessarily have to be the highest, right? so.. okay dah takde idea nak cakap. that's all for now. thank you for your concern towards a psycho. such a noble heart u have :')

oh by the way, during this holiday, i also learn that the only way to not get hurt or have your heart be broken anymore is by not letting yourself be. by meaning, keep your heart to yourself, don't give it to others. don't put hope to someone who doesn't want you to. my goodness am i jiwang or whatttttt. k bubai. wassalam.