it's a whole different level of friendship when you call your friends as family. to a person who is excessively attached to family, it's not a term nor a status, it's a risk -- giving the right for someone to break your heart because you love them whole-heartedly.
I made a mistake. I apologised and forgave. and now I'm stuck. this isn't the first time and wouldn't be the last time that I lost people I wanted to laugh toothlessly with one day.
but it doesn't get any easier each time.
maybe it means I never get wiser. and I decide that I will continue learning. I'm learning how to be okay when people decide to not care about you anymore. or to leave you behind because you don't mean that much anymore. or to be crashed, without any understood reasons.
it's not moving on. its acceptance.
I'm learning that it is okay to love again. and to trust other people. and to rewind the painful memories in head at times. a wise person said to me "you learn a lot through pain" thus as a learner, I don't mind being in pain if that teaches me best. maybe the memories drop by only as revision haha.
I'm not a good person, I know. I doubt if I had a good heart at all. I am no where near righteousness (perhaps even further than I think). I burden myself more often that anyone could think of. I don't think I would like me if I was someone else. I'm surprised if anyone could put up with me because I don't too sebenarnya haha.
but I am certain about one thing; I am struggling. this is not going to be easy. it never has been.
I desperately hope that if I start to break again when I think about them, I would read this and be reminded that there was one time that I believe there's still hope for myself.
and I hope I can believe it still.
"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan (saja) mengatakan: 'Kami telah beriman.' sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi? Dan sesungguhnya kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta." - Ankabut:2-3
Sya... cenyum ciked :)