you know who you are

result dah dapat.

dah takde idea nak tulis. hehe.

(after an hour of thinking)

i never failed before. i mean, i did, but there was no large decrease that could have these following effects; i lost 2 kg in a week, had an average 2 hours of sleep daily, had myself keep silent for more than an hour in the middle of the crowd (never happened before), had myself wandered around school compound aimlessly everyday. to make it short, i never had lost my own self before due to any academic result.

but i come to realize, or to read from Twitter

The Prophet (PBUH) said: "When Allah desires good for someone, He tries him with hardships."

[Sahîh al-Bukhârî]

so you see, what happened last week doesn't come with anything but hikmah. there is simply no doubt that any event takes place in life is another lesson to be learnt.

one of the greatest, greatest lesson i gained last week would be from my own very own classmate. i don't care if you are going or will never read this, but do know that i completely admire the whole new side of you uncovered when you are tested by Him with the result. macamana ha nak cakap. the words you spoken, the look in the face u've shown to the others and the smile you given, all those things macam gempakkk sangat tau tak. you are in the middle of His test, a very difficult one but the person i see macam superhuman pulak. u never shown a shed of tears to anyone. you look very, very strong. my friend, ni nak cakap ni, you are superb tau tak. you were good in Sem 1 for your result but in Sem 2 you are way better for your personality. i don't sympathise you, instead i am jealous that Allah had tested you this way, indicating that there will a veryyy veryyy veryyy only-He-knows good payback in the future. your patience, positive thoughts, self-control, strength and other amazing values macam bagus ahhhhhh. with that kind of personality and value my friend, i am inspired by you. we are actually in the same boat, but i am no way near as strong as you are. nak cakap lagi, jangan risau ahhh pape pasal university placement la ranking la mende la, because to me, and i believe to anyone else, university mana taknak orang hebak macam ni?! insyaAllah Allah akan permudahkan jalan untuk kau/awak/kamu lepas ni. wallahu'alam macamana cara Dia nak buat, but huallahuakbar kan. so, hang in there my friend, good things await for you :)

ps/ kitorang semua kagum dengan kau/awak/kamu. proud to be your classmate :D

a psycho's thoughts

the holiday has not been great or even good to me. its not about the homework sebab memang pemalas pun sebelum ni so kisah ape kan -since dah nak balik kolej, okay kisah- but few things have been wandered around my mind non-stop. oh yes, i am a type of person who over thinks everything, everything in life. -except Chemistry, of course- one of the main contributor is semester exam result. this result is undeniably important.

okay enough said before the stress builds up again. but the thing is, i am very much frustrated and upset with myself that i don't put up the term tawakal. it is very wrong you see. i had gone through sooo many sleepless nights, cryings, hentak hentak kepala (over sikit takpe kan) because i put sooooooooooooooooooooooo many negative thoughts in mind. fitrah Sya memang macamtu okay. sejak baby dah nangis nangis cuak kena potong tali pusat. apart from that, i cannot deny there were few things i regret doing it throughout my Sem 2. so what you give, you get back right? but i also come to realise that there is basically nothing we can do now. but as a Muslim, there is one thing we should, no, we HAVE to do at time like this

"Dan jika kamu berazam, bertawakallah kepada Allah."

Al Imran:159

but i didn't have that in me. i was wrong. i was terrribly wrong that i thought nangis sampai keluar hingus dapat menenangkan diri. superstition semata mata because

"Ketahuilah hanya dengan mengingati Allah, hati akan menjadi tenang."

Ar Ra'du:28

so this is why this is happening to me. i am an emo person, i know. but to let my emoness cloud my faith until it dissolves in? and me to have keraguan dalam hati? what is faith then? there is never gonna be a price to that. never.

ehem. agak emo di situ ye.

well the thing is that. i am not happy with myself. i know what Allah will give is what the best for me. everyone knows that. but no many understand. i have issues with my placement but any result i'll get will be a sign to me. a big one that relates to many things in my life. and He is the al-Alim. He knows everything when i don't have the slightest clue. i may cry and scream and hentak kepala dengan lebih kuat lagi when i get my results, but i hope at that time, i still have my faith. or i can re read this entry -macam bagus- the best result does not necessarily have to be the highest, right? so.. okay dah takde idea nak cakap. that's all for now. thank you for your concern towards a psycho. such a noble heart u have :')

oh by the way, during this holiday, i also learn that the only way to not get hurt or have your heart be broken anymore is by not letting yourself be. by meaning, keep your heart to yourself, don't give it to others. don't put hope to someone who doesn't want you to. my goodness am i jiwang or whatttttt. k bubai. wassalam.

why do we procrastinate

procrastination is not really a bad thing. oh come on, admit it, no matter how many people say Procrastination is the Thief of Time, we will be like, haah en. betul tu. okay. azam aku hari ni/minggu ni/Sem ni/tahun ni/dalam kehidupan ini ialah procrastinate no moreeee. but what we do now?

oh yes. you are procrastinating by reading this entry.

okay fine. except budak KMS yang baru habis exam. and budak UNITEN. and budak UiTM. and budak Matriks. and argghhhhhhhh like i careeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

now go on with the topic. what are the good things about procrastination? its not just making us feel good dapat melepak layan Twitter or cool dapat habiskan kerja last minute okay, it means so much more than that. if not, why everyone is doing it kan. okay lets say we have 2 or 3 weeks holiday for sem break.

1. super effective stress-release

kita kan baru habis final exam, baru start cuti kan. ingat senang ke nak jawab paper Math HL sume? you know our brain worked really hard. perasaan nak mengejar masa jawab paper 2 Econs ya Allahhhhh. lenguh tangan nak angkat tangan mintak kertas bukan main lagiiii. tu belum lagi jari jemari yang menahan pressure kertas dan pen dakwat tak cukup legap. so by procrastinating, we actually giving every part of our body a chance to rejuvenate themselves for a long-torturing workloads. it's like rewarding ourselves which is good. sebab tu tandanya kita menghargai diri sendiri.

2. sake of the family

KMB tu kan jauh. bukan boleh balik tiap tiap minggu. walaupun balik jugak, alah, dua hari je kat rumah. mana sempat Ibu Abah Nenek Along Angah Abanteh Abalang Anep Bibik Nenekma semua nak melepaskan rindu. jadi untuk kemaslahatan kehidupan berkeluarga, kita perlu mengorbankan masa untuk membuat assignment untuk meluangkan masa berkualiti di sisi keluarga tercinta agar perhubungan kekeluargaan itu terjalin utuh bagi mencapai misi Family First, Homework Last. mulia sangat hati orang yang sanggup membuat pengorbanan sebegitu rupa :')

sorry, tadi buat World Literature Malay Essay.

3. sake of the public: classmates, schoolmates, besties.

kalau buat kerja awal-awal, nanti cepat siapkan. no, its not a good thing. sebab nanti we tend to update our status in FB or tweet something like this

"ALHAMDULILLAH DAH SIAP EE. DAH BOLEH HANTAR FIRST DRAFT BUKAK SEM NANTI."

"YEAYYYY SELESAI PUN MATH PORTFOLIO. TERLEPAS PUN BEBANAN BESAR DI TENGKORAK KEPALA."

"DONE WITH WORLD LIT. OFF TO LONDON FOR A LIFETIME."

sekarang sila letakkan tempat anda di tempat orang yang sedang melakukan no 1 dan no 2 dengan kemuliaan hati yang tiada taranya. pastu bukak FB and Twitter baca statuses dan tweets tersebut. what do you feeeellllllllllll mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

you get what im saying? we're trying to jaga hati semua orang here. we don't want our friends to cry and worry and crack up and mental breakdown when they know we finish our works way faster than normal human does. that is so.. cruel. or in stronger word, sadis. again, this is a very selfless reason. we're trying to put ourselves in everyone's shoes to make this world a better place.

4. self-training

now lets move on to the last 3 or 2 days of holidays. a normal human being will probably jadi lipas kudung untuk menyiapkan apa yang mampu. okay now see it this way, kalau kita buat awal-awal, mesti kita buat slow and steady kan, but kalau buat akhir-akhir, we are actually pushing ourselves beyond boundaries.

wah. PiBi di situ.

i mean like, its good that we train ourselves to be effecient, multi-tasking, focus, determined, hard-working, tabah, yakin dengan diri sendiri and.. man, there is so much more to be written! you know what im saying? we can also make a good use of the pressure that school gonna start soon and all. nampak tak berapa banyak nilai murni kita dapat terapkan?

5. preparation for the next sem

bila kita start last minute, kan waktu dia dah dekat dekat dengan new semester kan. we are actually doing good to our brain because we give early preparation for it to start working again. its good you know. so bila new semester starts, kita takan ada culture shock gitu. you get me? you get me?

untuk menyimpulkan kesemua di atas, i hereby say, do not look at procrastination merely a negative thing. don't be bias. there's always something good in every bad one kan? (menunjukkan muka baik)

last but not least, here is a great quote,

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. ~Don Marquis

and this one, takkanlah dah bagitau benefit taknak bagitau cara pulak kan.

The two rules of procrastination: 1) Do it today. 2) Tomorrow will be today tomorrow. ~Author Unknown

okay babai. nak sambung revise Maths sebab semua assignments dah siap.

sakit hati tak sakit hati tak sakit hati takkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

saya telah curang

masa kecik kecik dulu saya sepanjang masa melekat dengan Ibu macam koala bear. kalau waktu sejuk, saya cepat cepat pegi nyorok bawah tudung Ibu. kalau sejuk sangat nyorok dalam baju terus pastu kuar kan kepala macam anak kangaroo. tapi Ibu bukan ibu mana mana haiwan ye..

kalau dengan Abah, tak rapat sangat.

hehe. tipu saje. Abah dulu masa saya kecik, Abah study. so Abah macam nerd (so not) so sebagai anak yang bertoleransi, saya pun tak kacau Abah sangat. okay fine, maybe kacau sikit. tapi Angah, Abanteh, Abalang lagi nakal okay. but i always fall in love everytime Abah says this

"anak perempuan Abah ada duweeeee jeee."

but since Along dah kawen, Abah dah tukar

"anak pompuan Abah ada satuuuuuu je. dah lah comel, cute, adorebel, baby-face."

ayat belakang paling real kan :D

well those are childhood memories. banyak bende dah berubah sekarang kan and some are unavoidable. ni bukan pasal masalah kulit je eh. its like as a child or teenager, we tend to become curious about simply everything. dengan kawan kawan kita rasa cool lepak sama sama. dengan handphone rasa cool main Twitter. dengan buku.. er.. rasa tension?

but anyways, those are things in life we tend to focus more on. that we again tend to neglect simple things that matter more. i have so many examples but these are my stories

kalau call Abah cakap nak balik, beberapa kelip mata je Abah dah sampai KMB. Banting dengan Gombak bukan dekat okay. tapi kalau Abah yang call, hamboii, time tu la sibuk meeting, kelas Chemy, tazkirah khamis dan sebagainya. "Abah, call balik boleh?"

Abah kadang kadang datang dekat kat sofa "Abah nak duduk sebelah Ya boleh?" "oh, duduklah Bah.", sambil memegang handphone di tangan cek kalo ada TT baru pasal Adinda Evans. pastu tanpa rasa malu bertanya "Abah, Ya nak Samsung Galaxy Tab boleh?"

Abah suka tanya "Ya duit cukup tak? balik nanti macamana? hari apa? barang semua dah ada ke?" saya suka tanya "Abah amek bila? dah masuk duit belum? ada beli Subway tak?" nampak tak sape yang selfish dan selfless?

rasa nak cerita lagi tapi macam membuka bekung di perut nanti..

but you get my point kan. ignorance is never a bliss when it comes to family. have ever felt that you only become yourself when you're with your family? when everyone in college or school turns you down, your family got your back? well, i experienced that first hand. but one thing for sure, we never know what they really feel about us. saya selalu nak sangat tau doa Ibu tiap tiap malam, perasaan Ibu bila tengok anak anak dia sume ada kat rumah, ape Ibu fikir bila tengok anak anak dia makan. we never know, don't we? this is when i come to reminisce what Ibu said

"kat fikiran anak anak dah takde Ibu Abah dah. kat fikiran Ibu Abah, anak anak jelah yang tinggal."

sorry Ibu, Abah. Ya dah banyak kali curang sebab tak pikir pasal Ibu Abah. maafkan Ya ye. lepas ni Ya pikir banyak lagi insyaAllah. nanti Ya dah besar tinggal dengan Ya nak? :)