emo secara serius

i lied when i said i didn’t remember how hard did i cry when i got the phone call informing Abah had a stroke. the feeling i had, is a feeling that i never thought, exist. i had this numerous negative thoughts about what was going to happen to my family if anything happens to Abah. one of the thought is that, i was afraid that i would fail IB because my family would fall apart without Abah. i was weak. and alone.

i contacted no one that time because my old sim card was broken. i used different sim card so thats why no one could reach me. i had only one number in mind. and that was the number of my life that time. i wish for strength from that someone.

but well. things got back on the contrary. i wasn’t just feel weak and alone, i felt crashed. i was left alone. you see, i really wanted to tell each and every detail of my day to that person, but instead, i screamed, and no one heard me.but i knew i have to get through this. my family was nearly broken. everyone was crying, really hard. and i couldn’t do anything in my power but to cry with them. the only feeling i had that time was that i was seeking for an ear to listen to all of this. but i realized i wasn’t loved and just pathetic to be heard. the nights were scarier than ever that i slept with wet pillows and woke up with swollen eyes. i waited for any call, or message but none arrived. the only number i put my hope to, is the number that smashed any bit of hope i had. to make it worse, i wasn’t only being left, i was cheated.

i thought maybe i was too sensitive. so i forgave.

but i was naive. so naive that i believed any problem happened because of me. but now i know i was dumb. Aufa is another strength of mine. Aufa isn’t here, so i feel lonely. again. it is just like a repeated scene. i hang on someone, again, to tell how much i miss Aufa every day and each Aufa’s very slight movement every time i touch her. or how Aufa cries in her sleep every time doa is recited. or even how Ibu and Nenek cry every day just to look at her toys at home. i need someone to listen to all of this. just to listen. though this time isn’t as hard as before, but i guess it is just enough to prove if someone really care about you.

i’m so sorry if you don’t understand this post. i just think maybe i would get better writing it down, i don’t know. well, moral of the story is that, dependency on someone kills. even if it’s the person you love, or the person you want to marry etc. i learnt it hard way. i hung on someone that bad, and i fell harder.

see, i wasn’t that strong after all.