"your pain. they're real."

bismiIllahirrahmaanirraheem, 

everyone is wearing a mask. some might show to some people, some might never do. it is a mask that shows the real you within you, which most of the times, I believe, is dark. 

and its okay.

we're not angels. we never will be one. we are all sinners. if not everyday, every hour and every second. 

here's some part of my mask I'd like to tell you -- I am a sad person.

not that I'm proud of that, I just want to feel good that I recognise me. if you don't accept this part of mask, please don't expect another part of the part of it;

I have a unique sad face :P

"Andaikan kalian tahu apa yang aku tahu, nescaya kalian kurang ketawa, banyak menangis, keluar menuju berbagai jalan (untuk mencari perlindungan) dan tidak lena tidur." [HR Bukhari, Hakim, at Tabrani]

semoga Allah jadikan saya sahabat yang solehah ameen

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

it's a whole different level of friendship when you call your friends as family. to a person who is excessively attached to family, it's not a term nor a status, it's a risk -- giving the right for someone to break your heart because you love them whole-heartedly.

I made a mistake. I apologised and forgave. and now I'm stuck. this isn't the first time and wouldn't be the last time that I lost people I wanted to laugh toothlessly with one day.

but it doesn't get any easier each time.

maybe it means I never get wiser. and I decide that I will continue learning. I'm learning how to be okay when people decide to not care about you anymore. or to leave you behind because you don't mean that much anymore. or to be crashed, without any understood reasons.

it's not moving on. its acceptance.

I'm learning that it is okay to love again. and to trust other people. and to rewind the painful memories in head at times. a wise person said to me "you learn a lot through pain" thus as a learner, I don't mind being in pain if that teaches me best. maybe the memories drop by only as revision haha.

I'm not a good person, I know. I doubt if I had a good heart at all. I am no where near righteousness (perhaps even further than I think). I burden myself more often that anyone could think of. I don't think I would like me if I was someone else. I'm surprised if anyone could put up with me because I don't too sebenarnya haha. 

but I am certain about one thing; I am struggling. this is not going to be easy. it never has been.

I desperately hope that if I start to break again when I think about them, I would read this and be reminded that there was one time that I believe there's still hope for myself. 

and I hope I can believe it still.

"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan (saja) mengatakan: 'Kami telah beriman.' sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi? Dan sesungguhnya kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta." - Ankabut:2-3

Sya... cenyum ciked :)

I build walls I despise

bismIllahirrahmaanirraheem,

I wish to sleep tight.
I wish to not wake up in the middle of the night crying.
I wish to not have nightmares at all.

Most of all, I wish to finally learn to forgive myself at the end of every night.

writing as a hobby

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

"Ibu, rasa futur tak pegi tamrin, tak bawak usrah sume. Sedihnya rasaaaa."

"So ada banyak masa lebih la ni. You should write again! :D"

andddd here I am.

It came to my realisation today that my tweets had made a number of people cried, became angry and furious which I never understand why. It could be that my words of thoughts are dangerous to tell. And so for some time, I stopped writing because I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore.

But then I realised that the very fact that I never wanted to hurt anyone is exactly why I should start writing again. I should improve on my writing ie improve on what I think in my head. I always believe that if people could get into my mind, none would have survived.

Mind is so close to feeling. What you feel will give you thoughts. As complicated as my mind is, feeling is even beyond what I could tell. I always ask myself every time conflicts happens, "how do I feel this now."

"Stop thinking just about yourself, Sya."

"Don't write things in social network to let the world knows about it."

"Janganlah emotional sangat."

I think Im done.

I'm done listening to (most) answers people gave me. I don't want to be told what to feel anymore. Its not fair for people to do something to me and expect me to even feel the way they want me to. My feelings may be absurd but they are real. I'm not sorry for being real.

However, I have a right to feel but its my responsibility to control. I'm a big girl now. I have to learn to do things right. But that does not include pleasing you.

Disclaimer: no I am not emotional. these are my words of thoughts, not of feelings. Stop judging me pffft.

their replies

"Cekalkan hati"Ibu.

"Ermm Cik Ya nyangan nangesh..." Kautsar.

Okaylah. Cik Ya modelling pulak. Luls. I do small business je.

I am never strong. That is exactly why Allah tests me; to provide what I'm lacking of - strength.

I am a bit of paradox. Or maybe a lot.

I find it so easy to be happy or to laugh loudly but I am easier to be sad and cry louder.

I love (yummy) food so much but I don't eat much. In fact, they get lesser each time.

To me, the kids are so lovable but I don't like immaturity.

There are too many thoughts in my head but most of them won't let me get in the way that they become painful instead.

I could sleep so soundly last night but I might just cry myself to sleep tonight.

Because I doubt if I will ever get it: how can you just leave someone after you ran after them for years? How do you head forward without a glimpse to what you have left behind? Why would you do those horrible things without any reason at all? Most importantly, how did I become meaningless so suddenly?

Sya, please. You are not helping yourself, please.

Neither are you.

I can't do this..

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

isn't it the best time of the year? its the feast of ibadah; every day is a blessing that takes us 70 years away from the Hellfire and every amal, no matter how tiny it is, grows bigger beyond our imagination.

actually, there is blessing in every bit of Ramadhan.

be it the portion of sahur and iftar, the rakaat of tarawih and qiyamulail, or the warm look at our parents or innocent child - all of them carry a huge blessing that is worth rebut for.

I am in love with this time of the year and I think it shows very obviously in the above picture (not technically selfie tau :P)

and also, if you are expecting this to be an emo post, I'm sorry I disappointed you. to whom this post title may concern, worry not. I am more than okay -- I'm happy alhamdulillahirabbil'alameen.

"Bersangka baiklah denganKu, nescaya kebaikanlah untuknya." [HR Imam Ahmad]

nature spoke up this morning

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

first thought of the day,

isn't my heart as cold and dull?



endless times I'm calling You for help, for I know You hear. 
God, help me..

Catatan #1 Fathul Konstatinopel

"Tu lahh omputih ni saje nak burukkan khulafa' kita dulu. Dorang nak hilangkan keyakinan dan kebanggaan kita kat pemerintahan Islam - UA terbaik sepanjang zaman kot!" Semangat duk borak lepas semangat al Fatih termeresap kat Hagia Sofia. Monolog takbir siap. 

Duduk-duduk kat luar Blue Mosque, sorang budak laki datang dekat.

"Assalamualaikum. Suria." sambil tadah tangan. 

Hmm lain sikit muka budak ni. Tenang je tengok.. bagi 1 lira. Dia pun pegi tepi sikit. 

Sorang lagi budak laki datang dekat, "Assalamualaikum." 

Ha aiyok sindiket ke. Budak tu tengok budak lagi satu kat tepi tu. Dua-dua malu-malu.

Sedar tak sedar, tersembang dengan diorang. 

"Ma ismukum?" 

"Ana Muhammad."

"Ana 'Abdul."

"Akhi, akhi." Pinpoint each other. 

Oh adik beradik. Patut muka carbon copy. 

"Aina ummukum?" 

"Syahid fi suria!" jawabnya 'izzah. Cukup 'izzah.

Tersentak. 

Lidah terkelu.

Mata berair. 

Baru je semangat duk cite pasal khalifah Islam zaman dulu. Tak, bukan lama dulu sangat pun. Baru 90 tahun. 

Itu history. 

Tak sampai 10 minit lepas tu duk borak dengan adik-adik Syria pasal kerajaan Islam (Islam kah?) zaman ni. 

Ini reality. 

Allah takkan saja-saja izinkan untuk bermastautin kat bumi Uthmani ni. Takkan saja-saja Allah izinkan untuk tersambut ulangtahun ke 561 Fathul Konstantinopel kat sini. Kronologi back-to-back history dan reality check pada hari yang sama pun takkan pernah kebetulan semata-mata. Bukan ke tarbiyyah tu Allah yang bagi? 

Tapi soalan sebenar ialah

ada tak hati untuk menerima? 

"Ermm ta'kul?" Tanya Muhammad sambil hulur biskut yang baru kami bagi lepas dia tunjuk perut macam tahan lapar. Biskut kat tangan dia pun belum sempat masuk mulut lagi dah offer kami yang terlebih makan kebap ni.

Sekian catatan #1 Jatsa Uthmaniyyah

Doakan kewujudan #2 #3 #4 dan seterusnya hewhew.

 

here goes another poem.

if only I could undo the hurt, I would

even if I had to take meds

or to go under electroconvulsive shock

I would, believe me, I would

I would certainly go for anything to get the half of me I loved and lost. 

if, and only if, I could.

"its you who needs forgiveness from you. forgive yourself, Sya."

heartful hurt

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

Maybe this is only hormonal. It could be that the exam is taking away my rational mind. Or, may be I have gone mad because there is so much to read for Health&Disease paper next Friday. I don't know. As hard as I am trying to untangle this feeling I didn't ask for, I can't hold it back anymore now..

because sometimes just writing them down can be helpful for mental health improvement.

No one seems to listen anyways.

for the same she

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem, 

The term tarbiyyah dapur sounds very interesting isn't it. Being an sometimes-even-overly extrovert person, introversion is an alien thing to me. I always ask 'why won't you talk' 'why aren't you doing this' 'how do you live this way' to well, almost everyone. It's not a good thing, I know. Its only that I always don't get it how do introverts live

until last weekend.

I always thought that "I should be the last person to be appointed as AJK Dapur". Kelayakan mencecah kerak bumi. No issues relating to cooking skills, feminism etc, but the short two days being AJK Dapur were actually more enjoyable than I imagined. Almost all AJKs were mostly introverts, I believe, but it was unbelievebly fun having them around for almost the whole day. I can't deny that it hurts me to the most bottom part of my heart (serious k serious) listening to stories of how awesome pengisian in the hall was while I was chopping onions with teary eyes in the kitchen luls. 

But God knows what we need most. 

The tarbiyyah I received in the kitchen was beautiful. I learn that you think more when you speak less. I now see that tarbiyyah is beyond four walls of the hall. She is everywhere. With or without us being aware of her. Truth is, I still can't stop thinking about her when I got home until now. 

I guess I am ever no where near competing with her. For I'm for the same she. I fell in love with her, too. She grows inside of me since heaven knows when. She is perfect, Islam is perfect, and we are so imperfect that we desperately need her for every inch soul we think we own. 

You know what, more than that, we are all for Him. From Him we come, to Him we return, for Him we live. But if she is bound to a group, to me personally, she is disabled. wAllahu'alam.

now back to tarbiyyah medic. Final is next week ksajdkahfjadfjkajsdhadsjhkjs. Pray for me, will ya? :)

"cuba explain sket"

"Apa sebenarnya dia buat kat awak sampai jadi cani? Tak fahamlah."

before:
"Sya, kita takkan buat macamtu kat kawan sendiri!"

after:
"ni bukan pasal Sya je tau tak."




tak emo pun. tak emo pun. lalalala.

The cold got into my bone!

BismIllahirrahmaanirraheem.

It was raining heavily this morning.

Haish semalam hailing all day, hari ni macam raining all day. Sejuk betul malam tadi sebab heater rosak. Agak tipu jugak la kalau oil habis sebab baru je refill. Kalau murah takpe, ni sampai 400euro ohoiii.

Oh God. The wind!

Aaaa menyesal pulak pakai coat tak waterproof. Grrrrr macam dah nak terbang tinggi. Adoi susah pulak nak bernafas huuhhhhh. Oh please Allah please Rabbi, ease this for me! I want to go to lecture!

Eh. Kenapa traffic light kereta merah, pedestarian hijau? Sape yang tekan butang?

(Checking right and left for other pedestrian)

None.

Innama'al 'usri yusra. Fainnama'al 'usri yusra. Allahumusta'an. 

oh dear Allah, You truly are the most merciful.

Based on true story of a normal rainy day in Galway during winter.

"supaya dia tunduk"

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem

"diberikan dia ujian hati yang berat
ditarik daripadanya seorang sahabat 
yang siapa di hatinya terlalu dekat

dijadikan pula hati si dia beralih
terlalu pantas pusingannya hatinya tertoreh

diizinkan pula cerita lama dibuka semula
tanpa kerelaannya, bukan kemahuannya

lemah terasa, 
bukan yang pertama,

tapi yang pasti, 

semuanya

supaya dia tunduk."


I managed to get myself to one stage of life for the first time ever to feel this. I found no words to describe it but 'tunduk'.

Tunduk to the Maker and His plans. Tunduk my own ego to the Owner of me.  Tunduk to focus on medic books, usrah books, assignments, agar plate - my main business for now.  Of course its hurtful, always is. The pain is too real, enough for me to keep it by my self. It also gets literally hurtful that I'm not well now *cough





tunduk, Sya, tunduk. radheetubillahirabba. 

Short note

"She is wounded,
But she will greatly be healed by The Healer."

It must be safe now to say that I accepted everything. The good and the bad, the ugly and the pretty. No other reasons I can find to be strong but Him, and only Him.

And to you, you can continue the hurtings, but I believe the healing will too, continue, repeatedly, without fail.

BiidznIllah. RadheetubIllah.