a sin that reminds. harshly.

bismillahirahmanirraheem. 

astaghfirullahalazim. 

Today was the worst day so far since I arrived here. Not because of Anatomy or no money to buy lunch, but because of me, a sinner. 

Me and my friends were waiting for Dunaras bus to come fetch us after a long day of lectures, study group and Anatomy lab. I was holding my very heavy bag with my hand cos I was really tired to carry it at my back. My energy was draining fast because I was fasting and had not yet eaten proper meal even though the Maghrib prayer had passed. I used every millijoule energy I had left to move my limbs to get myself into the bus and reach home safely to get good food for my tummy.

But none of those are acceptable excuse for the sin I committed. 

When I was just a few steps away to get into the bus, I felt something at my left shoe. So, I looked down. It was an empty can of Coke. 

Here comes the evil part of my story.

I looked at it for a sec before I looked away, not bothering to pick it up. 

"Tak elok betul buang sampah merata-rata."

"I don't drink Coke. Hmph."

Then, I went straight up into the bus and here I am at home in my room. Never felt as guilty and shameful before. Want to know why?

Here's the most evil part.

The moment after I got into the bus, a blind lady, Heather heard the sound of the can rolling on the road. She didn't take the bus because she lives somewhere else. I didn't realise she was there until my friends who were behind me that time told me about her. And they told me this too: She actually bend over trying to find the can with her very own hand while another hand holding a walking stick which barely put her in balance. It was raining fairly and the tar was muddy. The mud splashed all over while her hand still busy patting the tar to find the can. Until she found it and hold it very closely to herself. 

I felt ashamed of myself. As a person, a medical student, a Malaysian, on top of all, a muslim and a slave of His. It was a can of Coke, and it was all it takes for this heart to be conscious of its disgraceful state. 

and like Jia Wei told me just now "We make mistakes while we learn. Just continue learning from the mistake, Sya."I should find Heather tomorrow and thank her for what she thought me insyaAllah.

Allahumma innaka 'afu wun tuhibbul 'afwa fa fu'anni.. ameen...

I need to buy a sharpener

assalamualaikum!

It's weekend again. And I'm here in my room alone again. Haha, mana ada emo. I like being alone, but I hate loneliness though. Well, you can be alone without feeling lonely, or can't you?

My level of homesickness has declined quite significantly since the past few days. I try to distract myself away from few things and people I used to be too attached to, so that I learn independency, to be on my own. I did a major change in myself too - I talk less. I don't know, maybe sket je kottt. But at some stage, I feel as if I am 'numb'. Certain things are not as interesting as they were before. I barely laugh at jokes. I hardly like new clothes on online website. I differently respond to people. 

And I don't pamper myself with new stationeries too!

Thank you, Faber-Castell, you make my life complete :'D I no longer feel the need to buy highlighters, magic pens, coloured pens, markers, ball pens that make me crazeyhhhh nak beliiiiyhh everytime I go to stationeries shop. But I still need a sharpener tho..

Well, perhaps that's the key. There are many things in life, that we own, are things that we don't need. Yet we don't know how much they are actually unneeded. People say you never know what you have until it's gone. How about this - you never know what you need until you lose everything. Well, not practically everything, because I still have money to buy stationeries if I want to, but I figure out that that I can survive with little more less that what I used to have, in fact, some are better than before. 

I am always in love with my family. I love my friends and people around me. They are full of colours, fun, cool gilos and everything I have ever asked for. But that doesn't mean I have to stay comfortable with things and people I have. I have to move forward too. And to do that, I have to move my own feet. Therefore, just like the colours, I still am colouring, but with my bits and pieces, by my own way. 

I guess, what I am trying to convey is that, I have started to feel that I belong here. Those dreams about home and Bambam and Semsem, I still have them hahaha but it's okay, I'm good. They make me happy, but not sad anymore. I have to focus what I come here for, but not to let go from where I came from, and most importantly, what I bring in my heart everywhere I go ;)

"..boleh jadi kamu tidak menyenangi sesuatu, padahal ianya baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal itu tidak baik bagimu. Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui."