semoga Allah jadikan saya sahabat yang solehah ameen

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

it's a whole different level of friendship when you call your friends as family. to a person who is excessively attached to family, it's not a term nor a status, it's a risk -- giving the right for someone to break your heart because you love them whole-heartedly.

I made a mistake. I apologised and forgave. and now I'm stuck. this isn't the first time and wouldn't be the last time that I lost people I wanted to laugh toothlessly with one day.

but it doesn't get any easier each time.

maybe it means I never get wiser. and I decide that I will continue learning. I'm learning how to be okay when people decide to not care about you anymore. or to leave you behind because you don't mean that much anymore. or to be crashed, without any understood reasons.

it's not moving on. its acceptance.

I'm learning that it is okay to love again. and to trust other people. and to rewind the painful memories in head at times. a wise person said to me "you learn a lot through pain" thus as a learner, I don't mind being in pain if that teaches me best. maybe the memories drop by only as revision haha.

I'm not a good person, I know. I doubt if I had a good heart at all. I am no where near righteousness (perhaps even further than I think). I burden myself more often that anyone could think of. I don't think I would like me if I was someone else. I'm surprised if anyone could put up with me because I don't too sebenarnya haha. 

but I am certain about one thing; I am struggling. this is not going to be easy. it never has been.

I desperately hope that if I start to break again when I think about them, I would read this and be reminded that there was one time that I believe there's still hope for myself. 

and I hope I can believe it still.

"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan (saja) mengatakan: 'Kami telah beriman.' sedang mereka tidak diuji lagi? Dan sesungguhnya kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta." - Ankabut:2-3

Sya... cenyum ciked :)

I build walls I despise

bismIllahirrahmaanirraheem,

I wish to sleep tight.
I wish to not wake up in the middle of the night crying.
I wish to not have nightmares at all.

Most of all, I wish to finally learn to forgive myself at the end of every night.

writing as a hobby

bismillahirrahmaanirraheem,

"Ibu, rasa futur tak pegi tamrin, tak bawak usrah sume. Sedihnya rasaaaa."

"So ada banyak masa lebih la ni. You should write again! :D"

andddd here I am.

It came to my realisation today that my tweets had made a number of people cried, became angry and furious which I never understand why. It could be that my words of thoughts are dangerous to tell. And so for some time, I stopped writing because I didn't want to hurt anyone anymore.

But then I realised that the very fact that I never wanted to hurt anyone is exactly why I should start writing again. I should improve on my writing ie improve on what I think in my head. I always believe that if people could get into my mind, none would have survived.

Mind is so close to feeling. What you feel will give you thoughts. As complicated as my mind is, feeling is even beyond what I could tell. I always ask myself every time conflicts happens, "how do I feel this now."

"Stop thinking just about yourself, Sya."

"Don't write things in social network to let the world knows about it."

"Janganlah emotional sangat."

I think Im done.

I'm done listening to (most) answers people gave me. I don't want to be told what to feel anymore. Its not fair for people to do something to me and expect me to even feel the way they want me to. My feelings may be absurd but they are real. I'm not sorry for being real.

However, I have a right to feel but its my responsibility to control. I'm a big girl now. I have to learn to do things right. But that does not include pleasing you.

Disclaimer: no I am not emotional. these are my words of thoughts, not of feelings. Stop judging me pffft.