that love i miss and lost.

I don't think I can hold this much longer. It cuts me little by little, ruthlessly. Everywhere I turn, it is you that I see.

It's not about you, nor about me. It's about us. You are a part of myself; a large part that I can't afford to lose. I know you know that very well. But see what happened to us now? I hate looking at the present realising how many questions are left unanswered and how many chances I had to let go because I had to. It has been a long while since I last saw you. I miss you. I do, I badly do. Your smiles are the best pictures, your laughs are the best music I have, well, perhaps, for now, remain only in my memories.But baby, how about you? Do you feel the same way like I do? Has I ever crossed your mind? Okay I know, I have only been giving more questions. You know why? Because you, me and him, we all know how much this means to us. And we just can't let go.

Forgive me for I wasn't there for any of you at times. I hope you realise by now that any which of you has never been an option to me. What is there to lie if the truth is apparent enough for everyone? I love you, and you too, and do know that if there is one person that is going to be hurt, it is me. Just like I am now.

So, look at me now, tell me if you still see the same Cik Ya you used to know; just like I know you two adoghebel little monsters. 

And you too, someone who never has failed to steal my heart every time I remember you. Forever and always :)

I think I sound like a psycho.. tapi sedih okay tak balik rumah 3 minggu. nak masuk 4 dah. you ingat senang ke nak menanggung rindu nieww??! T.T

the truth behind examinations

Cikgu : hmm. peperiksaan minggu depan, kena buat soalan ni. hmm. nak bagi soalan apa la ye kat budak budak ni. kena uji betul-betul kefahaman diorang kali ni.

disebabkan Cikgu tersebut memang cikgu paling pakar dalam subjek tu, Cikgu tau nak bagi soalan-soalan yang paling berkesan untuk menguji pelajar-pelajarnya. besar harapan Cikgu supaya pelajar-pelajar betul-betul faham pengajaran dia selama ni.

maka hari peperiksaan pun tiba. nampak gemuruh gituw muka pelajar-pelajar sebelum masuk dewan peperiksaan. semua pun mengambil tempat masing-masing. kertas peperiksaan mula diedarkan. nampak kertas soalan pun dah cukup untuk membuatkan respiration turns to anaerobic (sebab gementar sangat, heart pump laju sangat sampai oxygen tak cukup hehe). lalu, dengan kiraan wahid, isnain, salasa..... pelajar-pelajar pun membuka kertas soalan.................

"ASTAGHFIRULLAHAL'AZIM.. topik ni yang aku tak baca, topik ni pulak yang masuk. aduh.."

"ALHAMDULILLAH.. aku dah buat soalan ni semalam."

"BISMIKALLAHUMA INNI.. (tidur sebab taktau nak jawab apa)"

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semua antara kita mesti pernah berada dalam situasi ni kan? Malaysian students memang exam-oriented ponggg sebab adanya kebergantungan yang sangat tinggi kat keputusan peperiksaan dan ujian untuk menentukan kemaslahatan hidup duniawi. memang banyakkk sangat ujian kertas yang kita pernah lalui dan banyakkkk sangat keputusan yang kita pernah dapat selama ni. tapi, berapa ramai antara kita sedar ada ujian lain yang kita sedang buat? haah. sekarang ni la. tengah ujian ni.

"Dan sungguh, Kami benar-benar akan menguji kamu sehingga Kami mengetahui orang-orang yang benar-benar berjihad dan bersabar di antara kamu; dan akan Kami uji perihal kamu." 47:31

keadaannya sama je macam dramatic analogy di atas, Cikgu tu kita ibaratkan sebagai Allah Al'Alam. takde sape kat dunia ni kenal kita selain Al Khalik (pencipta) kita sendiri. Allah SWT tau apa ujian yang paling sesuai untuk kita 2:286 tapi tapi tapi, tengok balik bila ujian tu mula, waktu kira wahid, isnain, salasa kan? maksudnya seseorang itu diuji on the exact time ujian tu diterima! bukan waktu dapat keputusan. 

tengok pulak waktu menjawab soalan, ada yang terkejut, sedih, give up, happy pun ada. sama mannn samaaaaa. bila sesuatu terjadi kat kita, memang kita banyakkk perasaan yang menjengah ke benakkk eceh. lebih lebih lagi bila kejadian tu bukan yang kita harapkan. memang, syaitan memang cukup expert buat kita rasa paling loser dalam dunia ni. memang dia punya bidang kepakaran bab buat manusia lupa kat Allah sebab terlampau sedih. sampai kita tertidur waktu jawab ujian sebab memang dah hangus habis keyakinan terhadap diri sendiri dan na'uzubillah, Allah SWT.

tapi kenapa ada happy jugak? sebab ujian tak semestinya musibah je, nikmat pun ujian. ingat Allah SWT dah bagi nikmat dan kemudahan tu, awak dah cukup hebat ke? ehh belum lagi.... . sebab sesenang mana pun ujian tu, awak still kena jawab soalan sampai habis. jawapan awak tu pun, betul ke? confirm ke dapat 7? awak ingat awak pandai? 39:49

keputusan tu kita boleh ibaratkan seperti keredhaan Allah SWT. susah atau senangnya soalan tu belum lagi menentukan kalo Allah SWT betul-betul redha dengan kita. dalam dunia realiti pun, kita kadang-kadang rasa soalan tu senang, tapi nape dapat markah rendah? macam TOK test ehem. ada pulak soalan kemain susah, eh dapat highest dalam kelas pulak muehehehe. cuma bezanya, results yang kita dapat kat dunia kita nampak. results yang lagi satu ni ha, apa agaknya grade yang kita dapat? 4 pun belum tentu lagi.

ps/ to non-IB students, 7=A, 6=B, 5=C, 4=D etc.

therefore, my friends, if only i know the exact words to say to make you feel better, i'd say them all. but unfortunately, i don't. i hope you know it breaks my heart as it does to you too. this whole thing we're going through, placement la, TOK essay la, IRP la, they are all nothing but ujian. be it a musibah or a nikmat, we are in this together. so, stay close. to Him. with us. 

"Naupal.. Naupal shedih tengok kakak-kakak, abang-abang shedih.. jangan aa shedih., Naupal doakan ok? ok? takmo shedih shedih. (sebak)"

wallahu'alam. wassalamualaikum.