Monday, January 15, 2018

Sayangku part 2




Sayangku,

This was your first hello via pregnancy test a year ago and now you are in my arms. 

It has been nearly five months of pure magic with you. You bring the best this worldly life can offer; love.

You were delivered 15 hours before term. You had to be induced because you had stopped growing for 4 weeks. You suffered from placental insufficiency, a condition that prevents you from absorbing enough nutrients from me. Part of it was due to my hyperemesis gravidarum, but another part was from stress,

not from medicine or hormones, but from those who have ill intentions towards us.

They were people who I thought had love for us, but they had only jealousy. One was jealous with mere help I received from a lady to carry my luggage, others only Allah knows what. It was to the point they blamed us for the cold treatment, simply because I did not announce you. Little did I put effort to hide you, because I did not want to receive any special treatment from anyone, especially examiners. If I were to pass, I wanted to pass because of my hardworks, not sympathy.

I had no time for drama, I needed to take care of our health and my exam. I kept on juggling between seeing patients and becoming one.

And I passed my exam, alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah.

Then there was a night of terror happening less than 12 hours before our departure to Malaysia. They tried to tear us down from cold midnight to dawn, just for the sake of money. They tried to hurt us by using power that they have, just for the sake of money. Lies after lies, curses after insults weren't enough. They forced us to submit to their lies until we surrendered your father's money. I was holding my yet another vomit, as so to hold onto truth. 

Your father was taken to ATM, at 3 am in the morning, just to make them good about doing injustice towards a helpless, pregnant couple.

My first night terror was on that very night. I screamed so loud, but only made them sleep better with smiles. 

When we arrived in Malaysia, it was as if we reached heaven. We were counting days for your arrival, wondering how you would look like and calling your name just so you kick! 

But when the diagnosis was confirmed, we were made aware that you might not survive vaginal pressure. You were too small for contractions that strong. But you did, didn't you? Must have been from the 'pressure practice' you had during your in-utero life 🤗

Sayangku, 

This is not a sad story about how I was bearing you, but a useful lesson on forgiveness, mercy and help from Allah to those who ask.

If anything happens in the future, do remember that

you are loved.

by Allah, by me and your father, and many others. 

You do not bear my sins towards anyone.

You do not hold grudges to those who did us wrong.

And you do not become one of them.

We are living a dream, just you and me (and milk), waiting for Ayah to return from work, so we could cuddle altogether. Remember what I said,

you bring us love ❤️ 

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